The Office

When i`m late for work everyone takes the p***, when i`m early everyone takes the p***.

When I arrive just on time, everyone looks at their watch.

Never ever, ever put soya milk in coffee.

What goes around, comes around.

It was April and the Aborigines in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.''How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aborigines in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

Bless This House

Had my house on the market for nearly a year now, I know its the credit crunch and all that but I haven`t had a sniff yet..... I just can`t understand it.

Pearl Of Wisdom 1

A man once told his grandson:"A terrible fight is going on inside me - a fight between two wolves. One is evil, and represents hate, anger, contention, arrogance, selfishness, intolerance, and superiority. The other is good, and represents joy, peace, love, humility, kindness, mildness, generosity, and compassion. This same fight is going on inside you, inside every other person too."The grandson then asked:"Which wolf will win?"The old man replied simply:"The one you feed."- A Native American Folk Tale

Welcome to The Credit Crunch Part 3

Just had an e-mail from Seb Coe copying myself and Boris Johnson in regarding the credit crunch and the current economic crisis.

The London 2012 Organising Committee (LOCOG) Board have decided to take a different route in setting up the games, they did include a marketing flier in the e-mail.

Looks like a good idea to me.

Reasons to be cheerful

So officially it’s Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year.
Woke up this morning, hammering it down, Noah was knocking on my door looking for volunteers and it was so black out there, pitch pitch black.
I am paying enough interest on my debts to pay Kakas proposed wage bill for the next six months. I’m overweight, under valued and old enough now not to be called up in case of World War (Home guard best I can hope for).
Pay day is still nearly two weeks away.

The gas oven is warming up (what do you mean its electric?).

So this is what I did, I banged on Kid Rock (All summer Long), a few Beach Boys tracks, The Hustle by Van Mcoy then I went into work told my boss to stick his job, joined a 6 month Missionary program in the Maldives and bought myself a 52" HD ready TV.

OK, I`m off out to help Noah with his ******* Ark.

Welcome To The Credit Crunch Part Two

So a Business Minister has been jumped on for saying she can see a "few green shoots" of economic recovery".

Here's one quote,

For a Labour minister to be talking about the green shoots of recovery on a day when thousands of people are losing their jobs is not only unbelievably insensitive, but it does beg the question on what planet is this Labour government living? Certainly not Britain in 2009."

and another

"Baroness Vadera is clearly living in a parallel universe if she thinks the economy is beginning to recover," he said.

All I can say is well done Baroness Vadera (sounds like a James Bond villain). I am sick to death of reading about and watching the news and listening to all the doom and gloom, House prices falling, stock Markets crashing, Jobs going here, there and everywhere.

What is happening at the moment is the old domino effect, every man and his dog jumping on the proverbial bandwagon. If one company lays off some of their workforce, another one follows suit, if one shop says its the worst Christmas they have ever had, another posts even worst figures.

Everyone is completely brainwashed by the media that we are absolutely f*****. (i`m beginning to sound like David Icke now).

We need someone to be positive, it doesn't even matter if its not true. If the only thing you heard all the time was negative then you start to think and act negative.

So Baroness Vadera, take a bow and ignore all those doom-mongerers (is that really a word). You have my vote in the next election, which party do you represent?

Who ate all the Pies?

The gauntlet has been well and truly thrown down.

Finding my weight to be a staggering 14 Stone 4 and my BMI Index to be 27.03 (you are in the overweight range or could you please remove this donkey from the scales) I have decided to shed the fat and get to 13 stone but there is a catch, I will not and I state that categorically, diet. I can not give up the food I adore. I will lose this weight by a exercise routine that would make Lance Armstrong weep.

I have been told by a few people that this is impossible at my age (yea, try telling that to Bruce Forsyth) so I need to prove them wrong.

Watch this space

Make My Day

Great to see the master back in action. Clint Eastwood's new movie which he directs and stars in, "Gran Torino" has taken the box office in America by storm and had critics salivating.

Take a look at some of the reviews,

The Los Angeles Times also praised Eastwood's performance and credibility as an action hero at the age of 78. Kenneth Turan said of Eastwood's performance, "It is a film that is impossible to imagine without the actor in the title role. The notion of a 78-year-old action hero may sound like a contradiction in terms, but Eastwood brings it off, even if his toughness is as much verbal as physical. Even at 78, Eastwood can make 'Get off my lawn' sound as menacing as 'Make my day,' and when he says 'I blow a hole in your face and sleep like a baby,' he sounds as if he means it.

Eastwood has redefined his career in recent years and has received more acclaim for his directing than his acting but I will always remember him for Dirty Harry, The Man With No Name and all his other tough guy roles.

Here's to Clint, the last great Movie Legend.

Welcome to the Credit Crunch

Joke Of The Week

Lovingly wrapped in a nice creamy envelope with gorgeously detailed fine gold writing and a first class stamp... This isn't just any P45 this is a Marks & Spencers P45....

Birthday Boy

Its my birthday today, January must be the worst month to have a birthday, everybody is totally p***** off as it is, all my presents are usually c*** bought in the sales or unwanted presents from Christmas as nobody has any money.

If you go out anywhere its like a ghost town and you have to be inside next to a fire and who's the most famous person i share my birthday with, Arthur Scargill, come on, Guy I knew who used to work for the council shared his birthday with Adolf Hitler and he was pretty proud of that.

Happy Birthday Adolf

Lad in the office, his birthday coincides with the sinking of the titanic. What was the best thing i could find.... 2001 - Whitney Houston was stopped for possessing marijuana at Keahole-Kona International Airport.

So next year, my birthdays in July, the 4th maybe, Louis Armstrong was born on this day, its a serious holiday in the States, it should be hot or at the very least warm and there was even a flipping Tom Cruise Movie named after this date. Bring it on.

"without a doubt, the 4th July is the best date of the year"

Park Life

Courtesy of Mark Lawrenson,
"He shoots, He scores, he eats your Labradors, Ji-Sung Park, Ji-Sung Park.
Simply Brilliant.

On a similar level, what Man Utd Fans sing at their Liverpool counterparts (to lord of the dance).
"Park, Park, Where ever you may be You eat dogs in your home country it could be worse You could be scouse Eating rats in your council house"

Pure Poetry, Ted Hughes would be turning in his grave if he were dead, oh he is dead, when did that happen.

Legends of TV Part One

Indoor League
Now if your under 40, not from Yorkshire and spend most of your life occupied with useful and worthwhile objectives then you are extremely unlikely to remember this programme.

But in a Frenzied poll of the office, it was found that at least two of us had fond recollections of this 70s institution (out of about 700 people).

Take a very well known ex sporting legend (Fred Truman), give him a pipe and a pint of beer and a decidedly dodgy cardigan and have him introduce all manner of pub games such as Arm wrestling, Shove ha`penny,Bar Billiards and skittles, just the average type of game you can see down the Chav and Bulldog (not a real pub, I just made it up) every night.



Indoor league also featured Darts and Pool way before Sky was even a twinkle in Rupert Murdoch's eye and amazingly ran for almost 5 years.


Truman always signed off every week with the legendary "I`ll see thee"



For anyone who hasn't a clue what i`m talking about, buy the DVD and join the retro revolution http://www.amazon.co.uk/Indoor-League-Vol-Freddie-Trueman/dp/B000BSQQX6/labyrinthgames

Mike Strutter

I was laying in bed last night trying to sleep and this thought came to me, Mike Strutter, will we ever see him again.

For those unfamiliar with him check out his Wikipedia link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Strutter

Possibly, and i don`t say this lightly, this is the funniest TV programme of all time (not taking into account Last Of The Summer Wine, what do you mean its ending, are the BBC mad?)

'If clips shows were buildings, Strutter would be a public toilet - seriously filthy and always out of order,'

Nuff said.

NHS Going down the pan

I recently rang my local Mental hospital to see when my check up was and was immediately hit with this phone menu.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU:Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital . Please select from the following options menu:If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.If you are blond, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. Well, my job is done.....Your turn.

Where on earth is the NHS going these days, I blame the government

6th JAN 2009 BACK TO WORK DAY 2

DIARY OF A NOBODY

Not to be confused with the English comic novel by George and Weedon (is that his real name) Grossmith, published originally in 1888 in Punch magazine, apparently considered a class work of Humour (hands up all those familiar with it).

Over Christmas, we had a dead pool in the office, i`e, we all picked five celebs who we all thought would peg it basing this on the fact that someone always shuffles off the mortal coil at Xmas.

Most of the celebs picked were old or very old or at the very least looked a little peaky.

Sure enough Eartha Kitt won Arthur the money, although a sneaky but false announcement about Norman Wisdom on Sky nearly saw the cash coming my way.

Is this sick or just a bit of fun, we are not actually going out and assassinating these people and if you scour the net there is plenty of websites devoted to this type of fantasy game.

Only the public can decide.

Best film seen this year "WANTED" OK its the only film I have seen this year but its pretty damn good and if like me you were forced to watch Mamma Mia and High School Musical over the holidays then more fool you.